Happy Summer Solstice!

Today feels worthy of celebration. The longest day of the year, sunshine, warmth, earthly goodness. I love summer time in Portland.

Last year I was celebrating by having a threesome with my girlfriend and J. It was spectacular! I wrote about it here. It has taken me a long time to release the frustration and resentment I felt toward her after our break up, but I finally feel like I am free of most of the yucky stuff. I am thinking back on this night last year with fondness and little sadness.

My energy has totally ramped up this past week. I’m feeling so much better about myself, despite my weight gain. I’ve been turned on all the time. And do you want to know something?

I watched porn by myself for the first time today. Lesbian porn. I wanted to see tits, and I wanted to watch another woman enjoy tits. It was crazy good! And yeah, I can’t believe I’m 26 and watched porn for the first time (by myself- I have watched different porn with J a number of times).

And I danced today, and it was a great shift. I had fun, and my new focus of it as a part time job has helped immensely. It’s not a hobby. I have fun shifts and less fun shifts, but it’s a job. I do it to make money. And I made good money today.

And now, J and I are sitting, and we are going to enjoy each other’s company.

How are you celebrating the light?

Back Online

I stopped writing for a little bit, but I’m back now. I had an internally tumultuous couple of weeks, and the thought of sharing all of that felt far from helpful. Things are better now and I’m back online 🙂

Life highlights:

J graduated from his work training program!

My little sister graduated from college!

We now have a bathroom mirror!

I make rockin’ kombucha!

We’re having a party with all of our friends soon!

I had pizza last night!

We are getting so close to ripping up the disgusting carpets!

Sex and relationship highlights:

J and I had yummy, rough sex this past weekend. Throat, tit, leg- all roughly handled. Dirty talk. Delicious.

The anxiety and uncertainty related to relationships that had been building for the past couple of months has faded away over the past week or so. I’m not sure what or how- but it has largely melted away. J and I have had some clear conversations about my anxiety and about where we’re both at, and I feel at ease and happy with everything.

I’m reading Franklin Veaux’s book, “More Than Two” and it’s really great. At times I have felt on edge and defensive reading it, because I have oftentimes felt like a shitty poly person. Other times, I have felt secure and excited reading it. But there are many gems within it, and I look forward to writing a more full review soon.

The relationship I have to myself is coming into clearer focus. I articulated today, talking with my counselor, that the vast majority of the insecurity I have felt before in my relationship with J is due to the insecurity I feel with myself. And the vast majority of the insecurity I feel with myself is BDD related. So I am fucking excited to get my BDD even more under control.

My commitment to masturbation helped me immensely last week. Keep masturbating, yo!

J and I are going to a poly speed dating event tomorrow. I’ll report back.

How is your June going? Has anyone else had a noticeable shift in mood and attitude over the past week?

Rx: Masturbation

This week has been rough!! Is there something in the water, in the air? Starting on Monday, I felt so tired, feeling like I was going to fall asleep at work. My eyes so heavy, feeling like I could cry at anything and everything if given the chance. My usual inner lightness I can feel, even in the midst of other inner turmoil, had disappeared. I thought I was going to lose it. I didn’t work out for two days because I felt so depressed and crushed and tired. And then last night, I was in bed for 10 1/2 hours. I feel much better today.

I also made a commitment three days ago to myself to masturbate EVERY DAY for the next week, at least. I realized that I haven’t been, and it’s largely due to my BDD. That fucking thing- it sometimes feels like it is destroying me, little by little. Really, it’s been this roller coaster since I started by therapy for it. Two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward, three steps back. Some weeks my symptoms feel greatly relieved, other weeks (like this one) they feel was bad as they ever were. But like my dear friend mentioned: this is disease maintenance. What is the healthiest and happiest I can be, managing this thing? Let’s get there.

Forcing myself to reconnect with my body, and look at it, while I am experiencing pleasure has been calming and helpful the past few days. All I need: a juicy imagination, my fingers, my Hitachi. It’s been a relieving few minutes each day.

How do you connect with yourself, emotionally, sexually, physically, and spiritually- especially when you feel like you’re going to lose it? Do you count masturbation as one of your tools?

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Taking Care of Myself

Quick recap of my past week or so:

Last Friday was a hard day. Not only did I find out that I did not get a job I had been holding out for, but I ended my work day being unable to provide emergency services to two survivors who were in desperate need. I was the only one left in the building, and at 5:50pm, I just sat on my yoga ball and cried for a few minutes. When I was done, I got a sticky note, and wrote down the things I was going to do that weekend to take care of myself. It included: finishing my kombucha, taking a bath, sleeping in, doing my nails, watching Game of Thrones, and basking in the sun. I am proud to say I did all of these things, except for getting caught up on GoT. But that’s okay, because now J and I have three episodes we can watch together all in a row (which is definitely better than one at a time).

Monday was a glorious day, deliciously all to myself. And even the moments when I felt like maybe I was “wasting” time, I knew deep down that I wasn’t. The day was spent exactly how it needed to be spent. I slept in, lingered over breakfast, got some things done on my to do list, went to the gym, interviewed for a friend’s book on sex and happiness (fantastic!! thanks for including me!), laid in the sun, took photos of myself naked in the sun, and generally loved on myself. Including pulling out my Lelo Ino for an awesome masturbation sesh (which, by the way, do y’all remember/know that May is National Masturbation Month?)

And! I happen to be enthralled with this amazing woman, and I only wish she lived closer. Although when I channel my inner Byron Katie, I know that it is how it should be, because that is how it is. We will enjoy each other through Facebook and Skype until we see each other in person. And when we see each other in person, it will be fantastic, that much I am certain of.

My parents are coming to visit next week. I’m trying to decide how public to be with my DatingAdvice contributions (using my full name or pseudonym, etc). I’m registering for fall classes next week. We’re flying down to the Bay Area in a couple of weeks for my sister’s college graduation. I’m planning a summer party with all of our best peeps. I’m almost done painting our house! J fixed our toilet AND sink! Life is full and rich as always. My BDD is feeling more manageable this past week, which is a relief.

Happy Spring!

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Happy

Today means:

Getting to flex my schedule so I can sunbathe this morning. Naked. In my backyard.

Masturbating.

Getting to see J this morning because he works this afternoon instead of super early.

Making plans to meet new people.

Admiring my painting skills in our living room.

Buying a new french press to replace the one that broke all over the kitchen floor this morning.

Eating peanut butter and crackers.

Taking the pup for a run in the sun.

Being, taking deep breaths, receiving a massage from the sun and the breeze.

How is your happy expressing itself today?

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Insomnia

tonight comes from:

  • Connecting with a new friend
  • Too much flourless chocolate cake
  • Raspberry wine leaving me with heartburn
  • Feeling excited to hear back from potential jobs tomorrow
  • Feeling hungry for savory breakfast foods (like mushroom tarts or the butternut squash galette I made earlier this week, or eggs and thick toast, and always bacon)
  • Masturbating to a fantasy
  • Excited to shake my thang at work tomorrow
  • Feeling off from not seeing J practically all day

What have I done to try to fall asleep?

  • Lay still in darkness
  • Read Dan Savage Q&As on my phone
  • Masturbate to a fantasy
  • Check Facebook
  • Journal about food
  • Drink ginger tea
  • Now I’m here

I’m reflecting on the energy in my life, and how it waxes and wanes. Social energy, sexual energy, emotional energy, physical energy. The energy to provide comfort to J. The energy to comfort myself. The energy to connect with friends. The energy to investigate a budding romantic relationship. The energy to work out until my lungs and heart and legs are so tired. The energy to stay hopeful and excited and optimistic about my tomorrow.

All of this energy is keeping me awake right now, and for once in a long while, it’s not stressful or anxious energy. So I am grateful to be awake at this hour, knowing I will be tired tomorrow but glad to feel the positive forces in my life.

Energy_ball2

Frustrated Coming

J was fingering me- rubbing my clit, reaching inside my pussy. Kissing my neck. Rubbing furiously. My mind was racing:

Come dammit! COME!! Why am I not coming?? Have I been using my Hitachi too much?! Is my clit calloused? Have I damaged myself? I want J to get me off! I’m a bad partner if I can’t come with my partner! Right?? What’s wrong with me? Come! COME! COME!!
Needless to say, I didn’t come. Talk about performance anxiety. It all felt so good, and yet my body was just aching to come and couldn’t. My legs started twitching and aching and kicking, and I started to cry. I just want to come, I whimpered.

J offered to tell me a story. What do you want to hear about? he asked.

I want to have sex with a girl, I said softly.

First of all, J is the master of dirty talk these days. Second of all, a lot of my masturbation fantasies lately are about women. Long story short, I found out that my clit is not broken after all! (Whew)

J’s story took me to our swingers’ club, where I met a super hot girl. We make eye contact, we start dancing in the cage together, slowly taking finger tips to touch each other. Bam! I came once. And as the story progressed, I came like five or six more times. I don’t even think J finished the story! A testament to his story-telling skills. And just generally him being an amazing lover.

Last night, J and I went to our swingers’ club and while it was kind of a weird vibe there and not very many people in our age cohort, we did end up meeting a new, cute, young couple. The woman and I ended up kissing a little, which I loved. My big mistake?! Not giving them our email address before we left! What the heck?! Who does that? Apparently me, when I’m a little buzzy from both too much wine and kissing a girl.

So, if you’re out there, cute girl, I hope I see you again.