Bare MFM

We climb into bed, the three of us. This has happened before, a number of times. We have a routine, and I am pretty sure we all enjoy it. I know I do.

You start massaging my tits and stomach and thighs, slowly working your way toward my pussy. You kiss my neck passionately, making me shiver literally from my little toes up to the crown of my head. It’s about as good as an orgasm. Waves of shivers pass over my skin. I moan. I want.

And you are laying on the other side of me. I lean over and we kiss, tenderly at first and then it becomes more rough. You grab my neck, making me gasp in surprise and ecstasy.

I have two hands, and two cocks to rub. I take hold of each, stroking, feeling both grow larger and larger in my hands, throbbing. Waiting for my pussy. This warm-up is standard, and it turns me on like crazy every time. I want both at the same time for a long time.

I go down on one of you until you can’t take it anymore. You get behind me in doggy style while I go down on you, the other wonderful you. The pounding makes me yell and scream, so much so I can barely continue my blow job. You love watching my face, and you pull my hair and grab my throat.

You are slamming me harder and harder, and it feels so fucking good. Your bare cock inside me. I want your come, I yell. Fill me up. And you do.

I catch my breath, and get on top of you. I love having two loads inside, and I intend to get that. I’m riding you harder and harder, faster and faster. You’re squeezing my tits, breathing harder and harder. I tell you, I want your come, give it to me. And you do.

And sometimes, I’m on top of you and my other you gets behind so I have both cocks at once inside me. The fullness and taboo and raunchiness of this position makes me come. Both bare cocks sliding inside, both loads of come making me moan from pleasure.

Always, I want it again.

Back Online

I stopped writing for a little bit, but I’m back now. I had an internally tumultuous couple of weeks, and the thought of sharing all of that felt far from helpful. Things are better now and I’m back online 🙂

Life highlights:

J graduated from his work training program!

My little sister graduated from college!

We now have a bathroom mirror!

I make rockin’ kombucha!

We’re having a party with all of our friends soon!

I had pizza last night!

We are getting so close to ripping up the disgusting carpets!

Sex and relationship highlights:

J and I had yummy, rough sex this past weekend. Throat, tit, leg- all roughly handled. Dirty talk. Delicious.

The anxiety and uncertainty related to relationships that had been building for the past couple of months has faded away over the past week or so. I’m not sure what or how- but it has largely melted away. J and I have had some clear conversations about my anxiety and about where we’re both at, and I feel at ease and happy with everything.

I’m reading Franklin Veaux’s book, “More Than Two” and it’s really great. At times I have felt on edge and defensive reading it, because I have oftentimes felt like a shitty poly person. Other times, I have felt secure and excited reading it. But there are many gems within it, and I look forward to writing a more full review soon.

The relationship I have to myself is coming into clearer focus. I articulated today, talking with my counselor, that the vast majority of the insecurity I have felt before in my relationship with J is due to the insecurity I feel with myself. And the vast majority of the insecurity I feel with myself is BDD related. So I am fucking excited to get my BDD even more under control.

My commitment to masturbation helped me immensely last week. Keep masturbating, yo!

J and I are going to a poly speed dating event tomorrow. I’ll report back.

How is your June going? Has anyone else had a noticeable shift in mood and attitude over the past week?

February was a Busy Month!

Yikes! I can’t believe I haven’t posted in a month and a half! That is way too long… and it’s not because we haven’t been pursuing open opportunities, communicating, negotiating, and having fun… that is precisely why I haven’t posted in so long (that, and school has literally been steam-rolling me. speaking of which, I am procrastinating from writing a take-home final, but I just can’t concentrate on that anymore right now!)… but now for an update!!

So… Valentine’s Day=awesome. J got some “X-Rated Valentine’s Candy Hearts,” the Tenga Air-Flip sleeve, and a subscription to Cosmo. Yes, Cosmo. He likes to read the insane pieces of advice and “insight” into the male brain. For example: you can tell how much a guy is into you by how he holds your hand. If you and your sweetie hold hands and you hold onto each other with your free hand, that means he is really into you- the possessiveness is a key (positive) indicator that he is into you. Whoa.

Dun-dun-dun-dun!! We got engaged! February 18, baby! (officially) We had a very long pre-engagement, as we got my ring right before Thanksgiving. Because we wanted to exchange rings (and yes, believe us, our families do not get it), we had to wait until J’s got made. His ring finally arrived on Valentine’s Day, and we had a lovely weekend going out to dinner and proposing to each other with letters we wrote to each other. Cute, right?!?

We have had a few ups and downs over the past month and a half, mostly related to unknown expectations and communication issues. For the most part, we have retained our sense of cool and gotten through them much more smoothly than bumps in the past. I think the more experiences we have where something might trigger one of us, our refractory periods of needing time to process and think and get over an insecurity or jealousy shortens. For example, my last “bump” so to speak only set me back a few hours. If this situation had happened a few months ago, I think it would have lasted a day or so. Progress!! I have also identified some of our most common communication errors: insufficient information about a partner or interest in a partner, and selective hearing (not really listening to something the other one is saying, but hearing what we want to hear). Identifying these common slips is helpful when communicating, so we can both do it better.

I have continued my vagina quest.. In fact, I met a lovely lady a couple of weeks ago through CL, and she’s pretty awesome. It hasn’t gone very far very fast, but that is fine. We are having a good time so far, so that counts!

J and I have continued to explore our fantasies together… including very dirty dirty talk, spanking, and hair pulling. All in all, I have been burning the candle at both ends…and really need more sleep (who am I kidding?? I would WAY rather get an hour or two less of sleep if I am having kinky, hot sex!)

Another thing that has happened recently that I feel compelled to share is that a very near and dear person to me came out to me in a couple of different ways. She recently started dating women, and is creating an open relationship with a new primary partner. How much she shared with me is completely breathtaking, and I just feel so honored that she included me. I had told her about our relationship last summer, and I remember feeling so nervous to. I hadn’t told a lot of people at that point yet, but I had a feeling she would be open, receptive, and respectful of it. J and I are continually amazed at how if we are honest with people, people usually respond with honesty. I think it is wonderful that I was able to share so much of myself with her, and she in return trusted me enough to share her experiences with me.

We recently hosted some vanilla friends. In fact, it was a friend I had in elementary school that I hadn’t seen since. She and her husband live not too far away from us, and decided they wanted to check out our neck of the woods. I thought it would be great if they stayed with us (despite my uber-stress over school- not a great decision), and it ended up being pretty fun to see them. However, it made both of us realize how open we are with our lives, and how open we love to be with our sexy friends. I remembered that not every couple will disclose their sex life, kinks, fantasies, values, etc with us… J and I were even a little embarrassed when our friends found us in the sex section at the bookstore (not really-we know that is nothing to be embarrassed about-but it was a shock to remember that not everyone talks about sex, haha).

Looking forward… I can’t believe that J and I have been open almost a year. April 1 is our anniversary of opening up, and I am planning on posting a reflection of the past year. I am also taking an independent class next quarter on human sexuality, and the instructor gave me some great stuff to read! I’m sure those books will make their way into the blog. She is also having me present to her undergrad class on a couple of topics of my choice… I will definitely present on alternatives to monogamy 🙂 I also bought “The Sex Diaries Project” and “Sexual Intelligence” and am hoping to read them over our spring break- look for reviews of those, too!!

Happy March!

Yes Means Yes: Female Submission Fantasies

I am currently reading Yes Means Yes, and my favorite chapter (and probably most relevant to this blog) is the chapter on female submission fantasies. I actually thumbed to this chapter when I first picked the book up from the library, and I have been excited to write the post on it since.

The title of the chapter said it all to me the first time I read it: “The Fantasy of ‘Non-Consent’: Why the Female Sexual Submissive Scares Us (and Why She Shouldn’t).”

The title captures so many of the feelings I have had since realizing that I love being submissive during sexual encounters. I can definitely be an equal part to sexual decision-making, and can definitely be assertive and enjoy being so, but there is nothing quite like being told what to do or being handled in a way that capitalizes on my submissive side. However, I have felt since realizing all of this that this part of me scares me. What does this mean for how I identify as a feminist? Does this mean I have bought into a culture that says woman are supposed to be submissive and men are supposed to be dominant? Have I internalized a deep sense of sexism, which now turns me on? The last part of the chapter title made me relieved: I shouldn’t be scared of my own desires and fantasies, and I don’t have to be. Thank god.

The central idea of this chapter is similar to Dan Savage’s idea of “suspending disbelief.” I am not really giving up all of my power during a sexual encounter, and I am not really “not consenting” to an encounter. It is more about buying into a fantasy for a short period of time so that I can live out that fantasy in a safe and consensual way. 

Stacey May Fowles (author of the chapter) discusses how, in the BDSM community, a “non-consensual” scene has parameters set before the scene is acted out: there are clear boundaries and rules, each person has a role to play, and safe words are set. In this way, a “non-consensual” scene is quite the opposite, and person acting in a submissive role (the one “giving up” all of his/her power) is actually the one holding the power during the scene. 

Fowles argues that mainstream porn, as part of a larger rape culture, is partly responsible for the belief among many feminists that the image of a female submissive is horrible: you simply cannot be a feminist and believe that rape is wrong while also believing that female submissiveness can be a consensual part of female sexuality. 

I think that if we critically think about our fantasies, accept the fact that our fantasies are influenced the families, schools, religious institutions, and cultures that raised us, and can plan thoughtful fantasies that include clear boundaries and roles for those involved, then those fantasies can be healthy parts of our sexual experience. Which is good news for me, since being submissive is such a turn on for me and a huge part of many of my fantasies. Not only that, but I can still call myself a feminist! 🙂