working it out

Clearly, I am in one those phases of just wanting to use my blog as a personal journal, and less of an educational platform. That’s okay, right?

I find it fascinating how communication works. I can say these things with this body language, and have such a clear internal sense of what it all means, and yet I have absolutely no control over how you filter that through your past experiences and lens of what that communication means. I love the concept this image depicts of the communication loop:

motivational-interviewing-9-728

Looking at this diagram, it is so easy to see where communication fails us every day, in every interaction. We all do the best we can. How we offer information is deeply enhanced by meta communication, and how we listen is enhanced by actively asking for clarification to do our best to understand someone’s true meaning. But it’s so hard.

I just am battling with many things (and I had to go all logical first I guess):

How do I reconcile all of the different messages from the past couple of weeks? How does “I miss you” and spending many hours together fit with “the sexual chemistry is off”?

How do I stay true to myself of feeling deeply and quickly without scaring people off?

How do I honor relationships and let them be whatever they want to be, while still honoring how I really feel? Is it possible for me to nurture a friendship when what I really want is that relationship to have romantic elements? Can I do that without tying up my romantic energy (which I did previously with someone who didn’t want to date me but wanted to be friends)? How can I separate the awe I feel for a person from my desires for how I want to feel intimate with that person?

I am humbled by the fact that I have likely spent hours writing out similar questions over and over on this blog.

You know something that I absolutely love about relationships and really getting vulnerable with people and inviting them into your space and getting the privilege of being in theirs? The reciprocity of ideas, specifically of ideas of what makes life amazing. This person in particular has inspired me to be less afraid to sing- so much so that I sang myself hoarse at my BFF’s bachelorette party when we were at a karaoke bar. She has also inspired me to start truly focusing on positive, self motivating talk. (She shared her idea that if it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something, then it stands to reason that by spending inordinate amounts of time on telling ourselves we can’t do something or aren’t something, that we essentially become experts at talking ourselves out of things. Pretty magical reasoning.) She has, without knowing it, been part of my healing from my rape. These are deep and powerful things. I can only hope I gave her something special in return.

Boundaries in Sex Work

Apologies for lack of posts this week! It’s been crazy. Also, apologies for brevity and possible typos as I am typing from my phone!

I had the concept of boundaries come up in various ways last week, in relation to sex work…

First, my new supervisor asked me to step down from my involvement in the support group for sex workers that I just recently got up and running. It has been interesting for me to navigate this conversation, over email. I’m not definitively stepping down yet, although it looks like I may have to. I’ve done all I could so far in asserting my preferences. The confluence of sex work and professional boundaries is interesting, for sure, and I’m intrigued what may lie ahead in terms of creating a safe space for sex workers at my place of employment.

I also was interviewed by a fellow worker about how I view stripping and sex work. In particular and most relevant to this post, she was curious about how I identify (as a sex worker, stripper, etc) and what kinds of boundaries I’ve asserted with customers. The mental and emotional boundaries I have around my personal identification with sex work feel like a moving target, like I can’t quite grasp them. Needless to say, it made it difficult to explain to her that at times I’ve identified as a sex worker, stripper, and dancer for different reasons.

Most recently, I was approached by a customer to engage in some nonsexual escorting: he wants a muse, someone to tease him and turn him on, but he also wants this person to hold firm on his boundary of not having sex (because he wants to remain sexually monogamous to his wife). In the past I have been very clear with myself and customers that I keep my business at strip clubs, but this particular person piqued my interest. So I’m exploring what it could be like. Tonight we are mini golfing and getting dessert.

More to come, on all of this.

Lastly, I’ll leave you with a piece that I adored; it’s a concept I have thought much about, and illustrates how social norms and boundaries from monogamy influence intimate partner violence and how sex workers are treated :

Jealousy Is Not An Excuse: Monogamous Norms and Partner Violence Against Sex Workers: 

 

Sex Dolls & Sex Toys

A friend passed on this article today: A (Straight, Male) History of Sex Dolls and I think it’s worth a post.

Female-bodied folks use toys to get off: vibrators, butt plugs, dildos, nipple clamps… there is even the Sybian rider (aka the fuck machine) and a Hitachi attachment for the Sawz-all. There’s some intense stuff out there, all to help women feel good and get off, with or without the help of a partner. Male-bodied folks use toys too, and they have a similar range of intensity. There are various kinds of masturbation sleeves and ass/prostate toys and synthetic vaginas and mouths and asses, among many others. And, there are dolls.

And like the article mentions, both men and women buy and use dolls, and 10% of the market is male dolls. However, this leaves the vast majority of dolls female, as well as the vast majority of buyers and users male.

My main question:

Do sex dolls objectify people, and women in particular (since the majority of dolls are female)?

Do sex toys in general distance people from human interaction?

Do sex dolls, toys, and other sexual aids (I’m thinking here of simulated child porn) help or hurt sexual health, equality, and consent?

I think toys in general are awesome. Like birth control, they help people own their sexuality and sexual health, taking responsibility for pleasure and sexual satisfaction. They also are awesome to use with partners and expand a couple or group’s sense of sexual variety, exploration, and intelligence. They aid in personal and relationship awareness, communication, and growth. And for that, I am all for toys.

Are people who own sex dolls patriarchal misogynists with an inability to connect to real people? Or are they simply acting on a kink in a safe way?

I think, with most things, there is probably a spectrum of folks out there using dolls, for a variety of reasons that I would and would not agree with.

For sure, I would rather see someone who gets off on violence against women acting on those desires with a doll than a real person. Similarly, I would rather see a pedophile masturbate to simulated child porn than assault a child.

I also think that dolls are probably a great aid for people who are isolated or have disabilities that make sex with a person difficult or impossible.

And, like several interviewees in the article, there are obviously folks who truly seem to enjoy sex dolls purely because they are dolls. In this way, it just comes across as a kink.

I think the rub comes for me when someone who doesn’t typically or superficially ascribe to patriarchal ideas, like ownership over women’s bodies, uses a doll because of how that relationship could shape that person’s beliefs and attitudes about women in general. Could owning a doll and having sex with it and not having to relate to the doll in ways that one would with another person influence how the doll-owner later interacts and treats women?

And how is a man having sex with a doll different than a woman getting off from a cock-like dildo? I think the difference for me is that doll-owners reportedly “have sex with” their dolls; I’m not sure if I would ever say I had “sex with” my dildo. I got off, I masturbated, I came. But I didn’t have sex with it. The relational aspect of doll ownership and doll sex, and the ownership itself, is what is thought-provoking and potentially concerning.

I don’t have as strong of an opinion as the article’s author does;  I don’t think sex dolls are anti-feminist or immediately objectify and degrade women. Having sex with inanimate objects that resemble women has a long history, and a certain population’s desire for that doesn’t seem likely to go away. Having a healthy outlet for that desire should be available to people, although I feel as cautious about look-alike dolls as I do about simulated child porn. And really, I think my caution has more to do with the fact that it’s difficult to acknowledge that people have desires that create discomfort for me: it’s difficult to acknowledge that people are attracted to inanimate objects and children and even more difficult to say that people with those desires deserve healthy outlets, not only so they don’t hurt people but so they too can have sexually healthy lives.

Thoughts?

#YesAllWomen

~My good thoughts and prayers are with the Isla Vista community~

I thought it would be worth collecting my favorite media responses (so far) to the Elliot Rodger incident, and posting them here. I have many thoughts and feelings about the shooting, and many others have already responded articulately and comprehensively. Many of my own thoughts have been encapsulated by others, and while I have been distressed over the shooting, I feel heartened reading all of the strong, emphatic responses by other feminists. I am distressed and saddened, knowing this will likely not be the last incident of its kind, and yet strengthened knowing that so many people I know, men and women, share a vision of gender equality and non-violence.

Laci Green on Upworthy

Jessica Valenti on #YesAllWomen

Your Princess is in Another Castle

When Women Refuse Tumblr

Dude, It’s You

Yes, All Men

Why It’s So Hard for Men to See Misogyny

I posted the Laci Green video on my Facebook wall, and I was not prepared for an acquaintance from high school to side with Elliot’s misogynistic beliefs and attitudes. I have been feeling embarrassed to have such grossness on my Facebook wall, so I keep countering his comments with my own- I can’t let him have the last word on my wall, can I? I have been thankful to my friends who have also been stepping in, bolstering the side of equality. A good friend of mine, too, sent me a message that she had received from a friend of hers who was going through the exact same thing. It was inspirational, and reminded me that I didn’t need to be an “expert” in order to argue with this guy and I didn’t need to apologize to anyone for his behavior and beliefs.

My #YesAllWomen contributions (not that I am on Twitter, but if I was, these would be mine):

Vigilant when I walk by large vans

Cautious when I open my front door at night

Thought about how fast I could run if I need to escape an attacker

Worried that I haven’t taken self-defense and that if I am attacked I will be criticized for not fighting harder

Worried that if I am attacked someone will out me as a stripper and I will no longer look like a “good victim”

Thought about getting an actual guard dog so when we are walking around our neighborhood I would have another form of protection

Do you have any favorite articles on the subject that I don’t have listed? Please share! Reading other people’s thoughts, opinions, and analyses of what happened is helping me process 🙂

Sexual Violence Prevention

I attended a training this week for work and while, overall, it was fairly boring, there was some food for thought about how kids learn about violence and its acceptability within relationships.

It makes sense that to prevent violence we would want to focus on the early part of life, right? (Similar to other prevention efforts: start when people are young, and you can instill values and behaviors that will help keep them healthy throughout life). Intervention is helpful, too, but prevention is more cost-effective and humane.

The presenter mentioned how she witnessed her granddaughters learning violence on the soccer field. Her granddaughter was awarded with applause and cheers when she took out a player from another team: violence = winning. How can we ensure that kids are able to separate out healthy competition from violence from interacting with teammates and competitors from interacting with friends, family, and intimate partners?

I think this also gets into all of the research behind how violent video games impact people’s perception of violence and understanding of gender roles.

Here are a couple of resources that do both prevention and intervention:

Futures Without Violence: this organization does a host of programs targeted toward different groups of people. Coaching Boys Into Men is specifically for young male athletes.

One Love Foundation: they have a phone app for supporting people in abusive relationships stay safe

If you’re a parent, how are you talking to your kids about sexuality and violence? If you’re not, how might you model to younger people what healthy and nonviolent relationships look like?