Beach Time

We went to the nude beach together. It was our first time at this beach, it was our first time together. We held hands, soft skin on soft skin. Fingers tracing the inside of wrists, elbows, lower backs.

We are laying next to each other. The sky is crazy blue, the beach rocky, the air softly warm (or warmly soft). You give me a back rub with coconut oil, rubbing my back tenderly and gently. We kiss for the first time, and how long I’ve waited. Your lips are soft and full, your breasts firm, your legs strong. I just want you to wrap yourself around me completely and never let go.

I want so desperately to touch and grab your tits and your ass and feel your pussy, even just for a second. But there are people around, and we are both nervous to do more.

I am massaging your lower abdomen and feel for just a second… your pussy is dripping wet. And I can’t take it. I slide one, then two, fingers inside and your moan in my ear. We keep glancing around- there are other groups on the other side of the brush surrounding our spot. I finger you harder and harder, rub your clit just how you like it. You are trying so hard to stay quiet but you are moaning and sighing louder than before. I finger you in waves depending on if we see anyone coming. It keeps you from coming all at once, although you’d like to. And then you do, and your sigh is ecstasy.

I want you on top of me. I want to feel your pussy on my pussy. I want to see your tits bouncing above me. I want to get on top of you and hold your neck tight and make you come hard.

I want to fuck you on the beach again.

Life is Full and Delicious

Crazy past week: life is zooming ahead!

I am starting a new job soon- with the same agency but in a different role. It’s going to be far busier than what I have been doing and I think it will be a positive shift in my day-to-day. I hope I can manage a full work load and school in the fall.

I had a major freak out last week. I found out that somehow I had linked my blog (yes, this blog) to my main Google plus profile. Which means I had been sharing all of my blog posts with people in my circles- some random acquaintances from college and grad school, some family members, some friends. So Mom, Dad, other family, and people on the periphery of my life: if you’ve been following me along, that is totally fine. The irony of this situation is not lost on me. If you ever want to talk to me about stuff you’ve read on here, I am happy to talk. If not, that’s fine too. But I know that you know. So we’re good.

Some old news: that poly speed dating event J and I went to was cool! It was super well coordinated and there were about 100 people there! I definitely recommend going to the next one.

I’m excited about my next open women’s group. We are doing an activity where we will feed one another in silence for a little while- I think it will be a nice, intimate thing to do with one another. And I am looking forward to a new kind of touch and intimacy with some of my best woman friends.

My bestie and her fiance were in town this past weekend with us! It was fabulous, especially since I hadn’t seen her since October. We even took them to our fave nude beach, and they even got naked. I was extremely impressed- they had never been around any other naked people before. Wahoo, vanilla friends gettin’ a little spicy!

[My crummy part of the week: getting totally triggered by a comment a friend made yesterday about someone’s “perfect breasts.” No one is perfect, right? I vented to J several times throughout the evening, and told myself last night as I was trying to fall asleep that I would wake up feeling better. And I did. So I am making some progress on managing my negative thoughts.]

Stay cool this week; it’s warming way up!


My first introduction to the word “polyamory”: we were sophomores in college, and I was helping J move settle in to his new dorm room. Because he was an RA, he was responsible for hanging up flyers on the bulletin boards. One of them proclaimed “Berkeley Polyamory Club! Cuddle Puddle Party!” We laughed uncomfortably, made fun of it. A cuddle puddle? What the heck??

Recently I went on a date with someone whose community consists of folks who actually do have cuddle puddle parties on a regular basis. It sparked some deeper thinking around why the community I am part of and build seems averse to non-sexual touch and physical closeness. I know in the past it’s made me uncomfortable, but largely because I have been unsure about what it would mean: will they think I want to have sex? What if I don’t want to have sex? Will it mean that J and they will have sex? How will I feel if that happens? However, taking sex out of the equation makes cuddling and touching my close friends sound really amazing.

Last night some of our best friends came over to help us paint and install ceiling fans. I was exhausted at the end of my Friday (I fell asleep on my yoga ball at work, and woke up as I was about to fall off), but from the minute they walked in the door my energy perked up, and we talked and worked and hung out until midnight. And after sharing my thoughts with them about nonsexual cuddling, I noticed that we began touching more. And I liked it. I like feeling like I can cuddle up next to someone, and that hugging doesn’t need to lead to anything more. It can just be a cuddle or a hug.

I am really curious as to whether, how, or why I may bring this to the table for any future parties/get-togethers I/we have. I don’t know if it has just been me in the past that is closed off to touch, or if there are others. I’d basically love to experiment with a cuddle puddle party: cuddling, massaging, hugging, but no sex. It sounds liberating and connecting.

I’m not sure exactly why it has taken me as long as it has to come to this light-bulb moment (that I can touch someone and be touched without it leading to sex)- perhaps part of it is because we have dated or slept with a number of our close friends, and I don’t want to confuse the relationship. But I guess that’s where explicit communication comes in 🙂

Do you like cuddling/touching your close friends? Why am I so late to the game?

Tarot Cards, Food, & Counseling

I like finding metaphors in my life in new and different places.

I went with my friend to a psychic this past weekend- it was my first time. (I’m no longer a psychic virgin!!) Aside from what made me feel uncomfortable (I didn’t feel comfortable enough to ask questions or talk a whole bunch since it wasn’t really private), it was really interesting and thought-provoking for me.

She had me think of a question to myself before drawing my first hand. I couldn’t think of anything specific, but being a romantic at heart, I just kept thinking “love life, love life, I want to know about my love life.” (That’s a little embarrassing to write but it’s the truth). The cards I got, and her interpretation, were interesting. My main card was the Queen of Cups, which she said represents receptivity and relationships. Underneath was the Tower, which represents a really impactful and important event, and above was a card representing soul mates. In the position representing the past was a card for an important relationship, and in the position representing the future was a card representing change. In the position representing the present was a card for tension, mostly mental tension and stress. To fill out the piece between the present (mental tension) and future (change) she had me pull a few more cards. From what I remember I pulled a King card representing really unmovable and grounding energy and another card representing fluidity and spirituality (I remember her saying that the card represents a need to see situations from a higher place and the ability to laugh at situations more, and that it was likely I would need to adapt to the unmovable energy in order to arrive at change- a frequent pattern I am familiar with). Her interpretation of all of this: the stress seemed to be related to something physical (money, house) and that the relationship wasn’t breaking off, but simply changing. Because of J and I buying a house, that seemed to sum up my love life pretty well at the moment.

For my next hand I thought about my BDD/body image issues, and when I could expect to experience relief. The cards I pulled again included the Queen of Cups, as well as the Lovers card and the Magician card. She said that all of these could mean that the use of a relationship to help heal and cope could be possible. (Which has always felt true for me. I know I tend to obsess about my body more and overeat more when what I really crave is touch.) She said that the Magician card is really powerful in that it represents intention setting and the achieving of goals. She had me pull a few more cards, and one of them was the Hanged Man, representing delusion. (Ha!! I love that) I can’t remember the others… but she did say that one of the others, which is ruled by Aries, shows that now is a good time to seek change, assistance, and help in planting the seeds for change, and that I would expect to see the fruits of my labor by the winter.

It was a cool experience, even if it has a similar tinge for me in reading my horoscope.

That being said, I also find the description of The Year of the Horse to resonate with me so far:

“The time for pondering and planning was 2013 Snake year. Horse year is time to act fast, buy that home, launch that business, travel the world, make a big purchase, get a promotion at work, have a breakthrough – take a leap and fly.

“If it’s right, then there’s nothing to think about. Just follow instincts. Even if you miss the mark, you’ll have all of Wood Sheep year 2015 to get cozy and enjoy life’s comforts in all their artistic forms.”

The whole “planting seeds for change” thing is right on target. I have an appointment with a therapist who specializes in BDD set for next week. I’m also trying a diet change for a month (we’ll see how it goes) to see if cutting out certain things helps with the OCD part of my problem (the obsessive, out-of-my-control thoughts). I’ve been doing the diet change for about a day, and so far it’s actually helped quite a bit. I have a complicated relationship with food (as I’ve chronicled on here before), and so I am wary of feeding that compulsivity through external food regulation and control. But, the lack of sugar in the past day or so has seem to influenced my energy levels (increased), overall way my body feels (less bloated), and my OCD thoughts (running more slowly, less frequently, more on the back burner instead of the forefront). I’ve been more focused and present at work and at home- both of which make me feel more alive and happy.

Any helpful metaphors that you have encountered lately?

Sunday Reclamation Affirmation

Have you heard of the book Five Love Languages? I haven’t read the book myself but have some good friends who loved it and found it to be incredibly useful in understanding their partners and reconnecting in ways that both people desire. You can take a brief quiz here to help you assess your own primary love language. I just took it, and, unsurprisingly to myself, scored highest in the Physical Touch category. Next was Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, and lastly, Acts of Service. I have a hunch for how J would score, and I think we may be completely opposite. One thing that I did not like about this quiz was the wistfulness of many of the statements (I wish my husband did this… I would like it if he would do this…) Many things J already does for me, and I didn’t like having to be in a mindset that felt whine-y and plaintive. However, I did like receiving confirmation of what I like and desire in my intimate relationship(s), and a reminder that we express love in different ways. Remembering that a partner may “hear” a different love language is helpful when trying to convey your love, and also helpful in having your partner remember that you may “hear” love differently and so may respond more warmly to a different “language.”

So, in light of this, I offer this affirmation for the week:

I now affirm that I will take notice of affection from others, even when they are not the expressions of connection that I am looking for or pay attention to best.

I now affirm to treat others how they want to be treated, and to teach others how I want to be treated.


Mercurial Women

Lately, I have become much more attuned to the fact that the women in my life are a mercurial bunch, making up silvery, green, blue tidal waves, crashing, swirling, soothing, refreshing.

Friends, lovers, sexual friends, girlfriends, best friends, play partners, want-to-be-lovers, want-to-be-girlfriends, want-to-be-friends.

As many of my long-time readers are aware, I have pined for a girlfriend-type relationship for quite some time. And since breaking up with my first girlfriend this past fall, I have in various ways, pushed romantic connections with women to the sidelines of my mind. In the past few weeks I have witnessed relationships in my life popping up in various ways, old and new, showing me the  beautiful ways in which I am connected to women in my life.

I’ve been more appreciative recently of the ways in which all of these relationships are fitting together, like puzzle pieces. It’s been another way for me to gain experience and perspective into how my open relationship allows me to get different things from different people and relationships. I’ve had the experience of getting a lot of my “being with women” desires met in one relationship, and now I am having the experience of cultivating a rich network of woman friends and lovers and partners who all bring something unique and meaningful to my life. (Mind you, that network has been present in my life for a while, but it has been growing recently in both breadth and depth, and, like I mentioned at the beginning, I am more attuned to it recently.)

Thinking about the post on patience I just wrote, I am feeling more patient right now- feeling peaceful with the relationships present in my life, grateful for their presence, and mindful that everything I need I already have.