Sex Dolls & Sex Toys

A friend passed on this article today: A (Straight, Male) History of Sex Dolls and I think it’s worth a post.

Female-bodied folks use toys to get off: vibrators, butt plugs, dildos, nipple clamps… there is even the Sybian rider (aka the fuck machine) and a Hitachi attachment for the Sawz-all. There’s some intense stuff out there, all to help women feel good and get off, with or without the help of a partner. Male-bodied folks use toys too, and they have a similar range of intensity. There are various kinds of masturbation sleeves and ass/prostate toys and synthetic vaginas and mouths and asses, among many others. And, there are dolls.

And like the article mentions, both men and women buy and use dolls, and 10% of the market is male dolls. However, this leaves the vast majority of dolls female, as well as the vast majority of buyers and users male.

My main question:

Do sex dolls objectify people, and women in particular (since the majority of dolls are female)?

Do sex toys in general distance people from human interaction?

Do sex dolls, toys, and other sexual aids (I’m thinking here of simulated child porn) help or hurt sexual health, equality, and consent?

I think toys in general are awesome. Like birth control, they help people own their sexuality and sexual health, taking responsibility for pleasure and sexual satisfaction. They also are awesome to use with partners and expand a couple or group’s sense of sexual variety, exploration, and intelligence. They aid in personal and relationship awareness, communication, and growth. And for that, I am all for toys.

Are people who own sex dolls patriarchal misogynists with an inability to connect to real people? Or are they simply acting on a kink in a safe way?

I think, with most things, there is probably a spectrum of folks out there using dolls, for a variety of reasons that I would and would not agree with.

For sure, I would rather see someone who gets off on violence against women acting on those desires with a doll than a real person. Similarly, I would rather see a pedophile masturbate to simulated child porn than assault a child.

I also think that dolls are probably a great aid for people who are isolated or have disabilities that make sex with a person difficult or impossible.

And, like several interviewees in the article, there are obviously folks who truly seem to enjoy sex dolls purely because they are dolls. In this way, it just comes across as a kink.

I think the rub comes for me when someone who doesn’t typically or superficially ascribe to patriarchal ideas, like ownership over women’s bodies, uses a doll because of how that relationship could shape that person’s beliefs and attitudes about women in general. Could owning a doll and having sex with it and not having to relate to the doll in ways that one would with another person influence how the doll-owner later interacts and treats women?

And how is a man having sex with a doll different than a woman getting off from a cock-like dildo? I think the difference for me is that doll-owners reportedly “have sex with” their dolls; I’m not sure if I would ever say I had “sex with” my dildo. I got off, I masturbated, I came. But I didn’t have sex with it. The relational aspect of doll ownership and doll sex, and the ownership itself, is what is thought-provoking and potentially concerning.

I don’t have as strong of an opinion as the article’s author does;  I don’t think sex dolls are anti-feminist or immediately objectify and degrade women. Having sex with inanimate objects that resemble women has a long history, and a certain population’s desire for that doesn’t seem likely to go away. Having a healthy outlet for that desire should be available to people, although I feel as cautious about look-alike dolls as I do about simulated child porn. And really, I think my caution has more to do with the fact that it’s difficult to acknowledge that people have desires that create discomfort for me: it’s difficult to acknowledge that people are attracted to inanimate objects and children and even more difficult to say that people with those desires deserve healthy outlets, not only so they don’t hurt people but so they too can have sexually healthy lives.

Thoughts?

Events

For those of you in Portland:

The next Mystery Box show is August 9th.

Upcoming SheBop workshops include a workshop with Sex Nerd Sandra (sadly, full already, but still cool to know that she’ll be here!) and a reading in September with Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert on their new book  More Than Two.

I still want to make it to Gallery Sesso one of these months. The next one is Thursday August 7th at 6pm.

Any sexy fun events you want to share?

From Oh Joy Sex Toy, in promoting SheBop and all its awesomeness:

2014-07-15-shebop

Rx: Masturbation

This week has been rough!! Is there something in the water, in the air? Starting on Monday, I felt so tired, feeling like I was going to fall asleep at work. My eyes so heavy, feeling like I could cry at anything and everything if given the chance. My usual inner lightness I can feel, even in the midst of other inner turmoil, had disappeared. I thought I was going to lose it. I didn’t work out for two days because I felt so depressed and crushed and tired. And then last night, I was in bed for 10 1/2 hours. I feel much better today.

I also made a commitment three days ago to myself to masturbate EVERY DAY for the next week, at least. I realized that I haven’t been, and it’s largely due to my BDD. That fucking thing- it sometimes feels like it is destroying me, little by little. Really, it’s been this roller coaster since I started by therapy for it. Two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward, three steps back. Some weeks my symptoms feel greatly relieved, other weeks (like this one) they feel was bad as they ever were. But like my dear friend mentioned: this is disease maintenance. What is the healthiest and happiest I can be, managing this thing? Let’s get there.

Forcing myself to reconnect with my body, and look at it, while I am experiencing pleasure has been calming and helpful the past few days. All I need: a juicy imagination, my fingers, my Hitachi. It’s been a relieving few minutes each day.

How do you connect with yourself, emotionally, sexually, physically, and spiritually- especially when you feel like you’re going to lose it? Do you count masturbation as one of your tools?

Giorgione,_Sleeping_Venus

Double Vaginal Penetration

Occasionally I like to write posts based on search terms that have directed readers to my site. This and the next post are based on said search terms.

Double Vaginal Penetration (aka DVP)

It sounds like a move-made-for-porn (and who knows, maybe it was). Who would want that? Why? How do you even do that?

As someone who has engaged in DVP a few times, I have some advice and insight to offer, although my perspective is limited.

1. Double penetration does not necessarily equal double cocks. J and I first started flirting with this idea by using both his cock and another dildo inside of me. It is tricky to maneuver (and not the same as having two live cocks), but you can experience a similar amount of fullness, stretching, and pleasure from it. I’ve found this to feel best with J on top of me and then sliding a dildo inside underneath his cock.

2. The vagina can stretch remarkably large- hello! Babies get birthed out of that thing. Of course your vagina can stretch large enough to accommodate more than one cock at a time. But…

3. Like preparing for fisting or inserting any large object, it’s important to warm up slowly and well. Make sure to use plenty of lube, and that you are doing what you usually do to be turned on optimally (dirty talk, oral sex, fingering, porn, etc.). If something doesn’t feel right, stop. If something hurts, stop. Know your own anatomy and pay attention to the signals you receive from your body. I know that for me, I have a number of smaller folds of skin that can get irritated quickly by too much friction of too much of something inside of me- it’s important to slow down, add more lube, and communicate.

4. Feel comfortable with your partner(s). Not just for safer sex purposed, but for ensuring your ability to stop the activity if it starts to feel uncomfortable in any way. Especially with safer sex considerations, it’s important that everyone feels comfortable being so close all at once.

5. It’s hot. If you already know you enjoy MFM group sex, then this is a really amazing position addition. My go-to positioning is to ride one person and have the other enter from behind like in doggy style. I generally slide onto the one cock, and let the person behind enter. From there, it just takes some experimentation with coordinating movements. I’ve found that everyone has a pleasurable time of it.

Have you ever done DVP? Do you have any other suggestions for how to have DVP happily, safely, and pleasurably?

Sex With Google Glass

J found this the other day and passed it on to me: Sex with Glass. It’s one tech company’s innovative contribution to a possible use of the new Google Glasses technology.

sexwithglass

At first, the proposal struck me funny. Of course there was someone out there who would pair these two together. It was a matter of time. And it still strikes me as lighthearted, but there are also other issues and questions that have been percolating for me.

-Would this allow a couple to re-experience each other? Could it add some excitement and adventure to a long-term relationship?

-What degree of self-confidence would these require? Could you experience any insecurity or self-consciousness at all?

-Is being an exhibitionist or voyeur a prerequisite to having a fun time with these?

-How is this similar to the thrill people get (myself included) from watching themselves have sex in a mirror or played back from a video recording?

-Would using this technology heighten the experience of melting into another person, since now you are able to literally see what they see? Or would it backfire because you can remove yourself from your own senses?

-Similarly, what would this technology do to our sense of separateness and togetherness within an intimate relationship?

And the all-important question:

-Who would, or want to, wear these glasses during sex?

What do you think? Fabulous new sex toy? Another creeping technological distraction, pulling us away from truly connecting? Both? Neither?

Bringing a Vibrator to Class

I walked into our grad lounge, and a few of my classmates were sitting at a table.

“Do you have your white elephant gift?” one asked me.

I started to laugh. “Yeah, but I’m a little nervous that it might be inappropriate.” We all started to laugh.

“Well, as long it’s not a dildo! Cause, I mean, that would be bad…” another laughed.

I paused and looked at the other two.

“That’s what you brought!!” laughed the first.

Haha, yep.

J and I got a free vibrator with my collar and nipple clamps, and I certainly hadn’t used it. It was just sitting on our bookshelf next to our toy box. It needed a good home.

Funny part, too, was I put it in a mug I had painted myself at one of those DIY ceramics painting places and stuffed around the vibrator with Halloween candy. It was pretty awesome.

I kept repeating that the vibrator was unused and the mug was hand-painted, and people kept hearing that the vibrator was hand-painted. Uh, NO. Ha!

How many looks I got and the amount of laughter in the classroom was evident that I brought something pretty rich. Sex is taboo, self-pleasure is taboo. Thus, sex toys are funny.

The classmate of mine who had joked earlier that bringing a dildo perhaps would be inappropriate was the first to take it during the exchange. Perfect! It was later stolen by a classmate sitting next to me. “Tonight’s going to be a good night,” he told me. “You better let me know how that goes” I responded, laughing.

Our teacher did commend me on pushing the boundaries of my classmates’ comfort levels.

My classmate sitting next to me said something like, “Well if I knew we could bring vibrators into the therapy room, I’m all of a sudden a lot more excited to be doing all of this.”

Haha, me too. Me too.

slim vibe

New Favorite Toys

J and I recently welcomed two new additions to our sex toy box:

My first nipple clamps (Bound to Please Plier Nipple Clamps from Good Vibes)

and

My first collar (Clover Rhinestone Black Leather Collar from Good Vibes)

[We enjoy supporting our local sex toy shops, but an amazing friend gave us a gift card to Good Vibes for our wedding, so we had to take advantage of that!!]

Both additions are extraordinarily hot!

My nipples are typically really sensitive, and while I enjoy my tits squeezed super hard, I shy away from any kind of sensation on my nipples. So I surprised myself in suggesting we get some nipple clamps. These clamps are great though, because you can choose a very low amount of pressure. I enjoyed them for just an extra amount of pressure and sensation, and I totally loved how they looked and felt against my stomach.

My collar is amazing. It is *just* what we were looking for: sparkly, sexy, submissive. It totally adds to the D/s component of our sex life when we want to play with that.

On my wish list:

A flogger.

When J and I were at the Velvet Rope’s grand reopening party a while back, I got flogged by a drag queen (that was awesome- I blogged about it here). Ever since, I have been wanting to buy a flogger, but gosh darn, they can be so expensive!! This one at SheBop looks like a possible option 🙂

Any new favorite sex toys of yours?