Being Lovers & Not Having Sex

This article was recently posted in my FB Open group, and it sparked a number of thoughts for me:

1. Having a bunch of people that I can be physically (but not necessarily sexually) close with sounds really lovely. Luckily, I feel like I have that. I feel like I have a number of people I can hold hands with, sit close next to, hug, and massage. I love that.

2. I don’t need to “combine stuff” in order to be sexual with someone (I know my regular readers/friends who read my blog already know this about me). But this article again brought up this question for me: What is it about sex for some people that necessitates so much integration with another person before you can have sex? I have theories about individual experiences with sex that could produce this conclusion (insecurities, trauma, personal philosophy, etc.), but this train of thought just doesn’t really resonate with me.
-There’s also the distinction between combining practical life “stuff” (finances, living space, etc.) and intra/interpersonal “stuff” (cognitive, emotional, spiritual, etc.). My perspective still holds, regardless of which “stuff” we’re talking about- that is, I don’t need to be able to “combine stuff” to have a meaningful, enjoyable, satisfying sexual relationship with someone. (Although I understand that for various reasons, some people need to combine various “stuffs” to make their sexual relationships meaningful, enjoyable, and satisfying.)

3. To me, this article was written by someone who values very deep one-on-one interactions with others. Not all of us have the same value structure in our lives around relationships- some of us (and I suppose I am talking about myself here) value a mix of relationships- deep, close, more superficial, casual, etc- in our lives. Each type of relationship adds something important to my life.

4. Also for me: love is present in all of these types of relationships. The intensity varies, the meaning of the relationship varies, the ties I feel to each relationship varies. But love is always there.

What are your thoughts?

One thought on “Being Lovers & Not Having Sex

  1. The attractive part to me of polyamory is the “many loves” part. Sex is just one of the tools that can be used in way to love people where the sexual attraction and opportunity offer that unique avenue to express it. Yes, our biology wires us to desire that for merely physical reasons. But understanding that sexual expression can be casual AND at the same time loving, is something that goes against the grain of our cultural norms.

    That doesn't mean that it's easy to navigate. Clear and honest communication is really key. I can understand the cultural taboos that evolved in so many communities because there likely wasn't a majority of people in many tribes and societies that could handle it well. Enlightenment is one of those luxuries mankind can achieve only when they aren't consumed by daily struggles for food, shelter, and security. So some of these ideas are more “modern” problems for us to ponder.

    On the other hand, like you I've read Sex At Dawn and been amazed at how many “primitive” societies have non-possessive attitudes about sex.

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