Tag Archives: sexy friends

Yummy dreams

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I’ve dreamed about you since I last saw you. I used to stare at you, for four years, I stared at you. We never talked- maybe once or twice. I’m not sure what exactly about you I lusted after. But I dream about you still. Always delicious dreams. You tease me in my dreams, like you did unknowingly when we were 16. Sometimes my dreams became raunchy group sex scenes with you and all of your friends from high school, but you and I still do not interact.

Last night, though, this time, when I saw you, I grabbed your hand and ran with you into an empty room. We kissed, you grabbed my body, feeling it for the first time. I jumped up, you held me, my legs wrapped around your back. I felt ecstatic. The charge was electric. I was so turned on and wanted you so badly.

J was in another place, another room. Knew what I was doing, and was excited to hear about it later. Two close friends appeared, laughing at my ecstasy.

We stopped kissing, your eyes told me that it couldn’t go any further because you have a girlfriend. “Dream me” cared, but didn’t want to. Wanted to disregard the ethics of the situation. But you were resolute and that was okay. I was still riding the joy from taking charge, grabbing you, having you follow, kissing you.

I have been noticing new energy in my life the past few days. I feel “on”- turned on, integrated, joyful even when I’m feeling sad. Our two sexy friends came over last night to celebrate a birthday, and it was magnificently delicious. I’m crushing hard on another beautiful friend, and I love that feeling. And then these dreams I have- it’s like I get to continue to feel that charge through my sleep. I love it.

Sensual Dreams

Cuddling

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My first introduction to the word “polyamory”: we were sophomores in college, and I was helping J move settle in to his new dorm room. Because he was an RA, he was responsible for hanging up flyers on the bulletin boards. One of them proclaimed “Berkeley Polyamory Club! Cuddle Puddle Party!” We laughed uncomfortably, made fun of it. A cuddle puddle? What the heck??

Recently I went on a date with someone whose community consists of folks who actually do have cuddle puddle parties on a regular basis. It sparked some deeper thinking around why the community I am part of and build seems averse to non-sexual touch and physical closeness. I know in the past it’s made me uncomfortable, but largely because I have been unsure about what it would mean: will they think I want to have sex? What if I don’t want to have sex? Will it mean that J and they will have sex? How will I feel if that happens? However, taking sex out of the equation makes cuddling and touching my close friends sound really amazing.

Last night some of our best friends came over to help us paint and install ceiling fans. I was exhausted at the end of my Friday (I fell asleep on my yoga ball at work, and woke up as I was about to fall off), but from the minute they walked in the door my energy perked up, and we talked and worked and hung out until midnight. And after sharing my thoughts with them about nonsexual cuddling, I noticed that we began touching more. And I liked it. I like feeling like I can cuddle up next to someone, and that hugging doesn’t need to lead to anything more. It can just be a cuddle or a hug.

I am really curious as to whether, how, or why I may bring this to the table for any future parties/get-togethers I/we have. I don’t know if it has just been me in the past that is closed off to touch, or if there are others. I’d basically love to experiment with a cuddle puddle party: cuddling, massaging, hugging, but no sex. It sounds liberating and connecting.

I’m not sure exactly why it has taken me as long as it has to come to this light-bulb moment (that I can touch someone and be touched without it leading to sex)- perhaps part of it is because we have dated or slept with a number of our close friends, and I don’t want to confuse the relationship. But I guess that’s where explicit communication comes in :)

Do you like cuddling/touching your close friends? Why am I so late to the game?

Body Catharsis

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We were standing upstairs, and I was watching the women dance in the cage below. I want to do that. But I feel so unattractive. After watching for another 20 minutes or so, I felt an adrenaline surge and my arms and legs start to tingle. I’m going down there. I’ve got to.

I got in the cage with two other women and started dancing. I felt self-conscious. I kept my eyes closed for almost the entire twenty minutes I was in there. It felt like twenty hours. Stay in here, keep going. I even let my dress come up, revealing my neon blue thong. Every so often I pulled my dress back down to cover my ass. Just keep dancing, please.

After a while I started feeling better. Opening my eyes a little more. Taking up more space. Smiling more. Feeling more grounded. And happy. For the rest of the evening, I felt a bit more like myself.

The next day at work I felt pretty good. The crowd and money were slow, but for the most part, I had a fantastic time dancing and watching myself move in the mirrors. I still noticed the extra weight, but it didn’t feel quite as devastating.

Movement is important for me, especially how much I can be in my head. On Friday night at our club, I told J I just can’t get out of my head. It is near impossible for me to shake myself out of obsessive thoughts. Dancing is one of the only escapes I have found.

What do you do for cathartic release?

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Clarifying Values & What’s Important

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I have been stressed out since my meeting with my professor. Luckily, I had social engagements planned beforehand for the weekend which all allowed me to get out and do things with people who care about me. I still found myself drifting off and zoning out, thinking about all of this crap. I told J on Friday: I don’t really feel like going out, I don’t really feel like doing this, but I think I probably should. And I’m glad I did. My counselor affirmed that as well (I saw her for a second appointment on Saturday to talk about everything): Make sure to schedule time to not think about all of this. It will be really important in allowing what’s important to you to rise to the surface.

So, in happy news: Friday night I had a fabulous date with a fabulous woman (yummy wine + The L Word + lady sex = AMAZING). Saturday night J and I went out for a little bit to the Velvet Rope (it was super dead there but I got to see my fave male stripper). Sunday night we had a really fun hang-out and movie night time with some of our besties (and watched “A Good Old Fashioned Orgy,” which was surprisingly good and I actually really enjoyed!!)

My counselor recommended that I try to clarify what is important to me to guide my decision making. She asked me, What floats to the surface with all of this? Here are some of the points I have sussed out so far:

calrify-values

1. I want to end dancing on my own terms, not on someone else’s. I don’t think I will have closure and the resolution I want otherwise. Dancing has been about self-empowerment on a number of levels, and so to end because someone else told me I cannot do it (for whatever reason) would be highly unsatisfying. Being bullied into quitting dancing is not okay for me.

2. Dancing has become more and more political to me, and my ability to dance has taken on more macro level importance: sex worker rights, un-shame-ing (i.e., empowerment of) and allowing space for female sexuality, etc. My personal act of dancing in the way that I do it has political implications of disturbing stereotypical ideas of what it means to be a stripper, what female sexuality looks like and can be, what it means to be a woman, what it means to be an activist. I can’t ignore the broader implications of engaging in sex work (and what it would mean to have a professor tell me I cannot do it because it is “unethical”).

3. I have worked really hard to be out as myself with most people in most contexts. I don’t intend to give it up. Being out is one of my core values.

I am sure there will be other main points if importance that come up for me in the coming weeks, but this was a good start that I had over the weekend. I can start to see some potential paths take more shape, and I am confident that as long as I figure out what is important to me and stick by that, that I will make the decision that is right for me.

Thank you to everyone for your support and love. I have been overwhelmed this weekend by everyone around me (in-person, via email, on Facebook, on here) that has shown me support. Thank you.

Happy Marriage

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I wore a white sweater and a white hat. He wore his blue shirt, although you wouldn’t know it since he was wearing his big down jacket over it (we stood outside in 32 degree weather in front of a half-frozen water fountain while the judge performed the ceremony).

After 8 minutes and 7 signatures (we had four amazing witnesses- some of our best friends), it was done. Sealed it with a kiss.

We’re legal.

Yay to lower car insurance and taxes! :)

PS: I love you, J.

PPS: THANK YOU to our amazing friends who were with us in person and in spirit, who continue to support us as individuals and as a couple in our life together.

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Family Time, Thanksgiving Time, Birthday Time

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This week was a full one. It doesn’t get much better/rich/full than:

-Making a birthday porn for J (yes, yes, totally hot). With one of my semi-regular playmates, who I totally dig. Unfortunately, my camera skills leave a lot to be desired (last year, I had the help of an actual person behind the camera. You should check out my post on that experience here)… that just means we will have to do another filming session ;)

-J receiving some exciting news!! If you are close to us, you will find out soon I am sure :)

-Traveling down for Thanksgiving to visit both of our families. Oh lord. The food issues I was expecting to deal with with my family did not surface too much, thankfully. The time with my family was pretty pleasant for me, which was a nice experience. I didn’t get too irritated with anyone in my family. I appreciate that. We went down and spent about a day with J’s family, and that was interesting. There hadn’t been much communication between J and his parents about whether we were coming down at all, and so his parents didn’t even really know if we were coming. And then, they had made plans to go cut Christmas trees the next day, and it just did not sound great to me to sit in a car with his parents and sister with whom our conflict does not feel resolved. I started not feeling well, which I think was from the stress, and I didn’t go, although J did. I am sure his sister and parents thought poorly/oddly of my decision to stay, but it felt pretty good for me. I have never opted to not go on a family outing with J’s family, and so I would bet is seemed unusual to everyone else. I had a relaxing day to myself, and spent some time with J’s grandma, and then was able to be pretty present with the family when everyone got home later that evening. I finally received a minor bid (albeit full of meaning for me) from J’s mom when she asked what picture from our wedding I wanted on the wall. That made my night.

-J celebrating his quarter century birthday (he’s o-l-d!) Haha!! It was a great end to a really full week. Happy Birthday lover boy!! I love you!

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Satisfying Connections & Emotions

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I had a really fabulous weekend reconnecting with lovely people!

Not too long ago in counseling, I was telling my therapist that it sort of seemed to be the nature of having an open relationship that I experience loss often: Well we used to date them, and then we didn’t, and then we were friends, and now we haven’t seen them recently, and I miss seeing them. Oh, and I was dating her and it was an amazing experience, and now that relationship is just gone. And they live further away and we just don’t see them very often. Etc. etc. It makes for a dynamic social network, with people changing from new friends to play partners to close friends to romantic partners to close friends to more distant friends and back to close friends. It can be a lot for me to keep up with emotionally.

But this weekend we got to spend time with a lot of the people that I hold extremely close to my heart. Out dinner with some amazing friends that we haven’t spent much time with this fall; catching up, laughing, and eating felt so good. Some social and sexy time with our other sweet friends who we see a couple times a month; comfortable, relaxing, and satisfying social time and group sex always feels connecting for me. And our other besties over for dinner another night: real conversation about our real “stuff” made me feel totally in tune with them once again. Having some real social interactions with the people who I/we have gone through so much with in the past couple of years was deeply needed I think. And so I am so grateful that this weekend opened up and gave me all of that.

Now to switch gears for a minute:

J and I were at our swingers club on Friday (when I/we had social and sexy time), and it was the first time that J played with another person without me. And I was totally fine. I kept scanning myself for negative reactions and emotions, and I simply didn’t have them. There were pieces in place that allowed me to feel so comfortable, and hopeful that he had a good time. Our sweet friends were there, and I am so comfortable with them, that I just folded myself into them. If they hadn’t been there, I think I may have experienced some social anxiety. Also, J’s slight ambivalence about the situation helped me feel completely non-threatened by the person and proposed play. So, it would have been a different story I think if I didn’t have friends to be with and if J had fallen in love with this person at first sight. But as it was, it was totally relaxing to experience the compersive and easy nature of the situation.

This weekend was full of things to make my heart full and grateful: amazing friends, real connection, and pleasant, loving emotions. Happiness. Love. Sexy times. Yummy food.

(Not a bad way to kick off a week that will be full of family- I’m sure I’ll be writing on various things sparked by the holiday coming up. It’s really awesome to have so many positive connections and emotions salient before I embark on family time.)