Category Archives: Bisexuality

The Misunderstood Life of a Queer Woman

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My most recent DA post is live today: The Misunderstood Life of a Queer Woman

I loved writing this one- it follows from a post long ago that I wrote, and is something that I think about often.

megaphone169-408x264Here’s my intro:

“I identify as queer and really enjoy being with women. I have been with women sexually and dated a few of them, but I’ve always had a hard time with this idea that I “read” as straight.

Several of my close women friends have expressed similar sentiments to me.
Other pieces to this issue include biphobia (or the discrimination against bisexuals) and what I would label as polyphobia (or the fear of poly/open relationships).

I’ve had a difficult time dating women

There are several issues that make dating women complicated, including things like I don’t look “gay enough,” am also attracted to men and already have an existing partner.
It is difficult separating out all of these issues, but I want to focus on this idea of looking the part to attract women.

Most sage advice recommends you don’t change yourself to fit some idea of what you should look like in order to attract partners. For me, I know I don’t want to cut my long hair in order to look the part of a queer woman.”

It was helpful to me to write this piece and to remind myself of the idea I close with:

“Embody the values you want to live by and the characteristics that arouse and charm you. Be your own best friend and let the rest fall into place.”

Go read the rest! :)

Tinder Update

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So I’ve been on Tinder for a couple of weeks now… and my bottom line feelings are:

It’s just another mindless social media app.

I think this article sums up many of my feelings well, and it was written by an older guy.

That being said, there is much more activity as a woman looking to meet women than there is on OKCupid. It is nice that you can see who you have matched with, and I have received far more messages on Tinder than I do on OKC. So that’s cool and worth something. I haven’t yet actually met anyone off of Tinder, although a couple of connections look promising.

I think it’s also important to remember that Tinder may be used in different ways by different people. I haven’t tried using it for casual sex, although I *hear* that is how it’s used most successfully (as opposed to simply making friends or dating). I heard from a good friend who asked his Olympic athlete friends what their experience was like using Tinder- and it was a surefire way to get laid within an hour at Olympic Village. I just want to be a fly on the wall and see all that go down, you know? Maybe because I have super limited experience with really casual sex, I just can’t imagine scrolling through Tinder profiles, matching with someone, exchanging a few messages, and then getting down within an hour.

Any other thoughts and feelings that you all have about Tinder?

More Speed Dating

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I went to another speed dating event for queer women. I almost didn’t because of body image anxiety. I was also disappointed when I found out that a particular person of interest wouldn’t be there (the person I met there last time who I felt such a connection to), and that they aren’t making new connections right now. But I went, largely because my counselor gave me such strong encouragement to. Knowing that I would have two close friends there also propelled me to go.

I went with little to no expectations for the evening. I thought I’d leave after a couple of hours so I could get ready for my day at work and talk to J before he went to bed. I thought I would just hang out quietly and observe and leave.

Instead, while I did observe quietly, I talked a little bit more this time to new folks. It started off a little slow again, and there was a long meditation and grounding exercise which again left me feeling a little antsy (I just wanted to be in my own bubble and do my own thing and talk to those that I felt drawn to), although it did seem to set up the space in a loving and connected way. We were encouraged to pick out pieces of fabric to symbolize our situations: Colorful for curious about and open to connecting with women. Coral for ‘I have a boyfriend and am looking to play with women.’ Salmon for ‘I have a boyfriend and am looking for a girlfriend.’ Red for ‘I am looking for a woman lover/partner/beloved.’ Blue for ‘I am gender fluid.’ I took both the salmon and red and tied them around my wrist. There was a lot of salmon-colored fabric floating around the room although everything was represented.

I even did the eye-gazing activity: we were asked to sit quietly and just look into someone’s eyes for one minute and then again with a new person, for about six or seven people total. That kind of activity is incredibly difficult for me to do. I feel uncomfortable and deeply vulnerable and intimate, and that is a hard place for me to be in with people I have just met. The activity made my rawness feel even more raw, and when my good friend was talking to me afterwards I told her about my recent BDD epiphany and she hugged me and it put me over the edge. I started to cry. What is happening to me?? Why can’t I control this? But my friend just hugged me and we went into another room and she “snuggled the crap out of me” as she so lovingly put it until I felt better and ready to join the group again. I felt myself opening up from a very deep place, and I think I am starting to understand what so many of the women there have expressed- that being with and around women is a very healing experience.

Now the group was playing Jenga- we had spent the first chunk of time writing truths and dares on each side of a Jenga block. It was quite fun, and there was actually a really good variety of truths and dares (not like the last sexy Jenga I participated in, in which, unknowingly and inadvertently, a bunch of us suggested giving and receiving lap dances. It was like a lap dance party! Ha. Still super fun, but just not a lot of variety in things to do.).

What is your favorite fantasy? Where do you like to be touched? Pick someone to give you a massage. Close your eyes and let the group pick someone to give you an anonymous kiss. Hug someone for 30 seconds. Describe you first kiss. When did you know you were attracted to women? What kind of underwear are you wearing? Pick someone to spank you. Describe your best orgasm.

My first truth was something like: Describe your fullest and most empowering you.

“How do I answer that?” I wondered aloud. No one really knew. “Well, the first thing that popped into my head was the fact that I feel really strong and in the ‘flow’ when I dance. I’m a stripper in my off-time, and I just absolutely love it.” I felt totally comfortable disclosing it and felt grounded doing so. I don’t even really know what people’s reactions were to it, and I didn’t care at all.

I later gave another friend a shoulder rub while I described my first kiss.

A little later I ended up sitting next to a woman I had had my eye on. She has large beautiful eyes and a pretty smile and a loud laugh- lots of things I adore. She was also putting out a lot of “curious” energy, like she wanted to sample everyone and everything. We started to hold hands and cuddle, and later started making out.

A song by The Weeknd came on (I can’t remember which), and one of my friends immediately looks at me and says “Oh! You dance to this! That’s one of my favorite memories.” Someone turned it up and some people started dancing. It’s such a sexy song. My new friend and I made out more, and then stood up.

“Do you like peanuts? Are you allergic?”

I was confused. Is this a set-up for a joke?

“No,” I smiled. “I love peanut butter.”

Her face lit up. “What about coconut?”

“Oh! I absolutely love coconut. Everywhere, everything.”

She smiled more. “Okay, okay! Come with me.”

She led me to a couch after grabbing her purse and a spoon from the kitchen. She’s got coconut peanut butter. How adorable.

She pulled out a jar of exactly that. “This stuff is amazing. It’s from Hawaii.” She scooped a little out and fed it to me. It was the most delicious peanut butter I have ever tasted. It melted in my mouth. I fed her some and we kissed some more. She got a couple of strawberries for us and we continued kissing.

We started talking and sharing our open and queer stories and selves. She was lovely and sweet and we exchanged numbers. I don’t expect it to go anywhere, but it may. All I know is that if I had left when I planned on leaving, I would have not been able to explore the chemistry between us. I felt both exhausted and wired when I got home at 12:30am, three hours later than I thought I would be home. It took my a while to calm down and I know I will be processing the experience for a little while.

I thank my counselor and her firm encouragement, and my two friends who were so encouraging and supportive and loving and unconditionally there for me last night. I thank J for deeply knowing me and appreciating me and encouraging me to go and have fun. I thank myself, too, for putting myself out there and staying through the discomfort and anxiety.

Kundalini-Serpent-Power

Links to Share

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Want a sexy Wednesday pick-me-up?

See photos of exotic dancers from the 1890s here

See this for descriptions (with awesome cartoons!) of different animal mating rituals here

(I don’t know how accurate all the information is, but it’s entertaining and interesting nonetheless!)

If you want something more dense, this article is definitely worth reading: The Scientific Quest to Prove Bisexuality Exists

There are a ton of passages in this article that I liked, but I like this one in particular:

“To their credit, both Rieger and Savin-Williams were thoughtful in their conversations with me about the challenges of studying bisexuality. Savin-Williams, in particular, said he was mostly interested in understanding the “incredible diversity” among bisexuals. He told me about one young man he interviewed whose arousal looked “extraordinarily gay” in the lab. But he was romantically interested in only women. “He falls madly in love with girls all over the place,” Savin-Williams said, “and it’s not because he hates the ‘gay’ part of himself. He just connects romantically and emotionally with women in a way he doesn’t with men. Will that change? Perhaps. But right now he’s not 50-50 interested in men and women — it’s almost like he’s 100 percent and 100 percent, but in two different ways. Most of the time sexual attraction and romantic attraction will overlap, but for some bisexual people, there’s a discrepancy between the two.”

Rieger nodded. “People constantly surprise you,” he said, recalling one young man who announced that he was “50-50 bisexual” but who only showed arousal to women in the lab. “His arousal was like a perfect straight guy,” Rieger told me.

“Sounds like he’s romantically attracted to guys but sexually attracted to women,” Savin-Williams said. “I think there’s a lot more sexual complexity and nuance among men than researchers have assumed for years.””

Any fun links to share with me?

Mercurial Women

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Lately, I have become much more attuned to the fact that the women in my life are a mercurial bunch, making up silvery, green, blue tidal waves, crashing, swirling, soothing, refreshing.

Friends, lovers, sexual friends, girlfriends, best friends, play partners, want-to-be-lovers, want-to-be-girlfriends, want-to-be-friends.

As many of my long-time readers are aware, I have pined for a girlfriend-type relationship for quite some time. And since breaking up with my first girlfriend this past fall, I have in various ways, pushed romantic connections with women to the sidelines of my mind. In the past few weeks I have witnessed relationships in my life popping up in various ways, old and new, showing me the  beautiful ways in which I am connected to women in my life.

I’ve been more appreciative recently of the ways in which all of these relationships are fitting together, like puzzle pieces. It’s been another way for me to gain experience and perspective into how my open relationship allows me to get different things from different people and relationships. I’ve had the experience of getting a lot of my “being with women” desires met in one relationship, and now I am having the experience of cultivating a rich network of woman friends and lovers and partners who all bring something unique and meaningful to my life. (Mind you, that network has been present in my life for a while, but it has been growing recently in both breadth and depth, and, like I mentioned at the beginning, I am more attuned to it recently.)

Thinking about the post on patience I just wrote, I am feeling more patient right now- feeling peaceful with the relationships present in my life, grateful for their presence, and mindful that everything I need I already have.

waves

HUMP! 2013

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My life is complete! For now! Because we have now been to HUMP! 2013! :D

Here is/was the line-up (the festival is in Portland next weekend):

hump lineup 2013

My favorites/points of interest/etc.:

-I voted The Legend of Gabe Harding as Best Humor (J voted this way as well). I love that it featured male porn stars’ performance issues remedied via a male fluffer. Other favorite “humor” pieces included Mouthpiece, Japanese Catholic Lesbian School Girls in Love, and Raiders of the Lost Arse.

-I voted His as Best Kink. It was fucking spectacular. One, I absolutely adore “Crave You” (Adventure Club remix, obvs); the movement in the piece was beautifully synchronized with the song. Two, rope = sexy. Three, the D/S component to the relationship was represented gorgeously. I can’t say enough lovey things about this one. It gave me shivers. Second runner-up for Best Kink was Fun With Fire. Both J and I enjoyed this one because it showed the real interactions between the couple, including shock, laughter, hesitance, trust, and comfort. It was also pretty great. J voted for Fun With Fire as Best Kink.

-For Best Sex, I voted Sex House. I loved the raunchy, sweaty, drug-filled atmosphere and the desirous, hot sex between the two lesbian couples. Surprising to J and our sexy friends, I also loved Daddy’s Dolls. I thought the lead person was hot as fuck, and the sensuality radiating between her (using female pronouns because I don’t know what is most appropriate) and the other person was super hot for me to watch. I almost voted Ouroboros as Best Sex, but then decided to vote it as Best in Show; J did vote Ouroboros for Best Sex.

-Best in Show: Ouroboros. It was such a well-done piece. After showing the sex scene between two gay men, the film rewinds scene by scene, back to the hallway and the club and the drinking and the dancing and finally back to a scene of one of the men laying down to masturbate to porn featuring him and the man we see him with at the beginning of the film (a little confusing to relate via text, but it was breathtaking).

[Consider the definition of Ouroboros, in case you weren't aware (from Wikipedia):

"The Ouroboros or Uroboros is an ancient symbol depicting a serpent or dragon eating its own tail. The Ouroboros often symbolize self-reflexivity or cyclicality, especially in the sense of something constantly re-creating itself, the eternal return, and other things such as the phoenix which operate in cycles that begin anew as soon as they end. It can also represent the idea of primordial unity related to something existing in or persisting from the beginning with such force or qualities it cannot be extinguished."

Love it!]

J voted for Raiders of the Lost Arse as Best in Show- he thought it was really clever because of all of the movie and copyright references it made.

Other pieces that are so noteworthy but just didn’t make it into my voting:

-Fuck: Also phenomenal. Slam poetry about fucking narrates over gorgeous images of Black women in the nude. I loved the representation of women of color and the representation of fat women. And, the slam poetry itself was powerful.

-Art Primo: I loved the sensual and slow nature of this one. It reminded me of ArtPorn- the stylized nature reminded me of boudoir photos.

-Inspired Surreality: Yay! We totes know these rockin’, smokin’ porn stars! Well done, you two! Super sexy.

This year’s bonus props were bowling balls, butt plugs, and Hillary Clinton, so there were quite a few pieces with those props. Other common themes: come shots (soooo many come shots this year). And there were two pieces that featured instruments (Mouthpiece and Beethoven’s Stiff). There was also quite a bit of both gay and lesbian sex. And, I was impressed and happy to see the number of pieces that showed condom use.

Yay HUMP! We even got Dan Savage as our MC and I EVEN bought myself a HUMP! shirt. Because I am cool like that ;)

Breaking Through, Being Out in Politics, & Microaggressions

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J and I went to one film from the Portland Gay & Lesbian Film Festival, “Breaking Through,” and it was really fabulous. It was about politicians and public figures who are out. There were a number of gay men and lesbians in the film, as well as one transgender and one bisexual. The point of the film, the filmmaker said, was to inspire hope in LGBTQ people of all ages (but mainly youth) that things can be better. It was inspirational and really well done. I found myself tearing up a number of times at the stories and experiences described. 

It was an important thing for me to attend because I had just gone through the whole day falling apart (which J can attest to). What am I doing? Do I really want to be a therapist? Is this a workable plan? Can I fully be myself and do this as a job? If it’s not this, what do I want to do?

Attending the screening was like the universe’s way of saying: Breathe. Be Yourself. Do What You Want. That’s basically how the filmmaker introduced the film: to anyone living on the margins of society, live authentically to live a joyous life. I almost started crying (again) right then.

So I really can’t say enough good things about the film, except there’s always something :-P

While I thought every person in the film was well-intentioned with their comments and articulations of their experiences, there was one sentence, that once I heard it, I had difficult truly experiencing the rest of the film.

Kate Brown, Oregon’s Secretary of State and bisexual, was recalling the story of how one constituent asked her about being bisexual and what that meant (something along those lines). In response she said something like, Well I’ll tell you that I am monogamous and that’s more than the rest of the guys [politicians] around here could tell you! It was meant to be funny, and many people in the audience laughed.

A microaggression is a brief and subtle way of indicating hostility toward a group and asserting power and privilege over that group. Microaggressions come in many forms:
Women are just emotional.
You know your life will be hard if you are gay, right?
I can’t believe you speak English so well! [to an ethnic minority]
Or, like what my first therapist told me (several times) in response to hearing about our open relationship: You know he (J) could leave you if he met someone else, right?

Kate Brown, although well-intentioned, committed a microaggression (or maybe she did intend it). I think the most common stereotype of bisexual people is that they “all are nonmonogamous” and I could see her wanting to ward off any further stigma. In fact, when J and I introduced ourselves and J asked her a question about the experience of being out as bi but in a straight marriage, she again reiterated “but I am monogamous.” In person, it felt like information (albeit not relevant to the conversation we were trying to have); in the film, it was an aggression toward people who practice nonmonogamy.

Although I do think her statement was made in the context of highlighting cheating/unethical nonmonogamy, she still asserted monogamy as the moral and social preference over not being monogamous. It was difficult for me, from this point in the film on, to remember the filmmaker’s introduction: that this film, while made for the LGBTQ community, was meant to inspire anyone living on society’s margins to live authentically and out.

J and I are going to write to Kate Brown (of course we are!) and just tell her how her comment impacted us.

Swingers Club, Heteronormativity, & Couple Privilege… and DVP

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J and I had a fabulous time at our swingers’ club last night (hooray for Hump Day!)

But, almost every time we’re there I become at least mildly irritated by displays of heternormativity. And now I can include becoming annoyed by the system of couple privilege at play. 

Last night, one of our closest friends met us there (it was his “singles” night and his wife, another super close and awesome friend of ours, was at home with their baby). It was really fun to hang out together, but I was completely flabbergasted when the staff came into the Couples Lounge to tell us that the three of us could not be in there together. Typically, only hetero couples and single women are allowed in the Couples Lounge, and it didn’t cross my mind that having another guy with J and I would be a problem. It was a dual heteronormativity/couple privilege situation, and it really did leave my mind blown. The staff member who told us to leave said that having another guy with us was only allowed on their themed “Bi Night”- wtf? It’s always “bi night” there if you are a woman, but apparently men only get one night a month, and on that special night (whoopdedoo) if you are a man and don’t have a woman half, you are allowed into the Couples Lounge. Big deal. And- this idea assumes that men who want to go into the Couples Lounge are bi to begin with (and I still can’t figure out why the Couples Lounge is the place where you would extend monthly privileges to bi men, instead of it always being a welcoming space). Last night, it was a situation of three people who simply wanted to be around each other in one of the club spaces. And what about people in poly configurations, like triads? Can they not then enjoy the Couples Lounge? Perhaps they could get in without notice if they were a man-woman-woman triad, but a man-man-woman triad would, based on our experience last night, would run into some difficulties. That’s an issue.

Now that I have gotten my little rantiness out of the way, I have to say that I checked another super fun and exploratory thing off my sexy list- DVP! (double vaginal penetration).

I. loved. it.

Big surprise, haha! Given my love of multiple cocks, I had a feeling that I would dig it, and I did. And, it was surprisingly easy, logistically. I was riding our friend, and J came behind me in doggy style position. I think my pussy has perhaps gotten used to fairly wide insertions, with all of the play J and I do with his cock sheaths. It felt amazingly good!!! After J came, it was so hot to have J’s come sliding around another cock inside me. Mmm, delicious.

Awesome Threesome Experiences

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“My 5 Hottest Threesome Experiences” is live on DatingAdvice.com today :) I love this post! So many positive memories, experiences, fantasies, situations to look forward to… And don’t forget about my #Threesome #Advanced post I published a couple of weeks ago! (Because that most definitely counts among my hottest threesome experiences)

More Coming Out

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Something happened this week that I honestly thought would not happen for a long, long time, if ever.

J told his mom about us having an open relationship.

I still haven’t quite digested it all. This has been coming for a while, but I honestly didn’t think it would happen so soon before we have our commitment ceremony (we are a month away from it now).

I know his mom has never been able to understand why it’s okay for us to have opposite sex friends, why we want to include J’s longtime friend (a woman) in our wedding party, or why we seem “cranky” when we talk about wedding planning (news flash: it’s because we haven’t been able to be authentic with her about why we are truly excited about our party. it’s hard to be excited about someone else’s values and vision when they don’t line up with your own). And she has been/is under the impression that I am not happy in the relationship with J (the fights we have had at home have given her this impression. don’t people fight sometimes?).

So she finally called J this week, and told him all this. That she doesn’t understand what is going on, but that it seems unhealthy and it seems I am unhappy. He questioned her need to know the inner workings of our relationship. She was adamant that we were in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship. So he just told her. We are not monogamous, and we are very happy with it.

She is not happy with this news (or, she wasn’t during the conversation).

I decided to send her an email, modeled after the one that Zoe Hanis from Life on the Swingset wrote to her parents, and edited by both J and M. Here is mine:

[I took out the email for now, because I am nervous that J's mom may search for my letter. She seemed convinced that I used a letter template, and I'm not ready for her to find our blog. If you want to see my letter, just email me! I am happy to share :) And, I'll most likely re-post it here when things have calmed down]

I would hope that we receive something supportive back (like Zoe did here) but I have my doubts. I want to be realistic, prepared to move on in my/our life without their support, and open-minded to different possibilities all at once. That is a lot to be prepared for. But I think I have it. Really, I think it comes down to remaining compassionate, and remembering and striving to give up attachment to the way I want this relationship to look like. 

So far the only communication I have had since I sent that email is a couple of tense, cold emails from J’s mom about wedding prep. I am just trying to remain positive- that she just needs time to process and will ultimately be able to be a supportive and warm person in our lives.

J also told her that I am bi. He knows I identify as queer, but didn’t want to make the conversation more confusing for her. I get that. It wasn’t until this past weekend that I told my mom I identify more with the label queer than with bi. 

And, I made a conscious choice in my email to use the words “nonmonogamous” and “open” versus “polyamorous.” It seems to me that “nonmonogamous” sounds like what it means, whereas using the word “polyamorous” requires even more explanation (potentially). I also used those words because I generally tell people we have an “open” relationship since our other activities and relationships and boundaries have evolved so much and will continue to evolve. And, I also went with those words because J used the word “nonmonogamous” in his phone conversation with his mom, and I didn’t want to throw more loaded words her way (loaded for her).

It is really important to me to have some healthy emotional boundaries set up, and J and I agree on some key things: neither of us will tolerate arguments or upsetedness about this every time we go home. Time to process all of this is expected, but it can’t go on forever. At some point, our relationship will either have to deepen and become positive from it being more authentic, or it will have to revert back to the more superficial, but pleasant, relationship we had. If it it going to be constant questioning and drama, we are not going to stay in touch and remain in as close of contact (including going home for holidays, etc).

Anyone else out there with coming out drama? Advice for me/us?