Swingers Club, Heteronormativity, & Couple Privilege… and DVP

J and I had a fabulous time at our swingers’ club last night (hooray for Hump Day!)

But, almost every time we’re there I become at least mildly irritated by displays of heternormativity. And now I can include becoming annoyed by the system of couple privilege at play. 

Last night, one of our closest friends met us there (it was his “singles” night and his wife, another super close and awesome friend of ours, was at home with their baby). It was really fun to hang out together, but I was completely flabbergasted when the staff came into the Couples Lounge to tell us that the three of us could not be in there together. Typically, only hetero couples and single women are allowed in the Couples Lounge, and it didn’t cross my mind that having another guy with J and I would be a problem. It was a dual heteronormativity/couple privilege situation, and it really did leave my mind blown. The staff member who told us to leave said that having another guy with us was only allowed on their themed “Bi Night”- wtf? It’s always “bi night” there if you are a woman, but apparently men only get one night a month, and on that special night (whoopdedoo) if you are a man and don’t have a woman half, you are allowed into the Couples Lounge. Big deal. And- this idea assumes that men who want to go into the Couples Lounge are bi to begin with (and I still can’t figure out why the Couples Lounge is the place where you would extend monthly privileges to bi men, instead of it always being a welcoming space). Last night, it was a situation of three people who simply wanted to be around each other in one of the club spaces. And what about people in poly configurations, like triads? Can they not then enjoy the Couples Lounge? Perhaps they could get in without notice if they were a man-woman-woman triad, but a man-man-woman triad would, based on our experience last night, would run into some difficulties. That’s an issue.

Now that I have gotten my little rantiness out of the way, I have to say that I checked another super fun and exploratory thing off my sexy list- DVP! (double vaginal penetration).

I. loved. it.

Big surprise, haha! Given my love of multiple cocks, I had a feeling that I would dig it, and I did. And, it was surprisingly easy, logistically. I was riding our friend, and J came behind me in doggy style position. I think my pussy has perhaps gotten used to fairly wide insertions, with all of the play J and I do with his cock sheaths. It felt amazingly good!!! After J came, it was so hot to have J’s come sliding around another cock inside me. Mmm, delicious.

8 thoughts on “Swingers Club, Heteronormativity, & Couple Privilege… and DVP

  1. There is a cultural assumption about same sex relations where female-female is considered “normal” but male-male is more deviant. Even in the open environment of the swinging community, it is seen that way. But I think that's from the dominant male perspective. I know few guys that feel threatened or offended by all girl-on-girl play, even if it's from 2 male-loathing lesbians. Most of us all find it a turn on. But the reverse usually is a turn off or even repulsing to guys, plus I don't think the majority of females see male-male play as appealing.

    I am sure there is a lot of cultural complexity to those attitudes, but they are deeply ingrained, from my experience.

    I imagine that clubs really try to segregate out any visible male-male activity to very select event nights or rooms, because most male members feel uncomfortable around it. Whereas most female members either like or are easily tolerant of female-female play. Yes it's a big double standard. But I'd be curious on the psychological research done with acceptance and comfort for same sex activities by gender.

    If you have access to some statistics on this, you could post some links for us.

    I've had enjoyable DP experiences but none yet that offered me DVP. That usually takes a much more adventurous woman. But that certainly describes you, K. You go, girl. Is there any sexual activity that you have found you DON'T enjoy? 🙂

  2. I definitely am turned on by male-male play, and I know other women as well who are turned on by male-male play! My perspective is that it's really other MEN who police themselves for same-sex sexual encounters, as it is a marginalized form of sexual expression (whereas I think female-female sexual expression can at least be seen as something FOR men- even when it's not). Thanks for the great comment!

  3. K:

    I'm of an older generation that came of age before the height of most gay rights movement, where we were socially conditioned to find male same sex attraction to be 'creepy' and 'sinful'. And I definitely find myself lacking in any desires for male playmates, outside of other men pleasing a woman together. I don't get repulsed by male-male play, but I do find myself averting my gaze away. I guess it's a well conditioned response.

    As a solo male though I almost wish I did have the attraction. It would sure make for WAY more opportunities. There's that great Woody Allen film quote — “The good thing about being bisexual is that it doubles your chance of a date on a Saturday night.” When you consider how many “m4m” ads there are on sites like Craigslist, compared to w4m, I'd say my odds would have increased far more than double…

  4. I understand your frustration and your point but I always thought of the rule as a way to give women a safe space away from extra men. There seem to be many more men than woman that are interested in (or public about) casual sex and unfortunately many men are too aggressive about it, the Couples Lounge offers women (and male/female couples) a place to get away from that.
    I wouldn't want to give up the safety of that space but I wish I had a reasonable solution to provide for those real MFM groups that want to use the space.

    In regard to your DVP, I'm jealous. A couple years back my wife confessed she fantasized about that. DP porn and that scenario had never held my interest up until that point, now I'm very interested. I've made it clear to her I'd love to help her out with her fantasy and that it has become one of mine, but it seems the only time she might be willing to approach it is in the heat of the moment, and that makes it tough/impossible to make it happen.

  5. Matt:

    “In regard to your DVP, I'm jealous”

    God…what guy WOULDN'T be jealous at some level of what J has in K. She's the playful goddess we all wish was the norm, not the rare exception. And to make things even more tantalizing, she shares all the intimate details with us, and the world.

    J is truly truly one lucky sonofabitch. And I'm sure he knows it, but with total humility and thankfulness. They seem like a blessing to humanity

  6. The idea is to constantly make single men feel that their libido and sexual desires are dirty and wrong and should only be expressed when part of a loving relationship. It is designed to treat men like the predatory perverts they are and allow the fragile women folk to be able to indulge in casual sex with men who understand that sexual desires are only appropriate when they have the backing of a loving romantic relationship. Those men are safer, see? [/sarcasm]

  7. The issue with “fear of extra men” sadly has a basis in most clubs stemming from male predatory behavior. Our home club has felt obligated to restrict access to the play house to men w/o an accompanying woman after a pattern of problems began to frighten the women. Once upon a time (the 70's) male-male contact in swinger group sex was as common as female-female. That changed in the early 80's as a measure to limit the exposure to AIDS in the swinger community. It was a very different world then. However, we have seen a significant change back to male-male normalization in the past 5 years or so in the swinger community here in the “east”. Just this weekend at our home club we were asked by another couple about a “full contact” foursome (which we were happy to do) and I was in a MMF in the public play room where I gave both the man and woman oral sex. That just would not have happened a decade ago. So things are changing.

  8. Professor Polyamory- Thank you so much for your comment!! The historical trend you described makes a lot of sense to me, and it gives me hope that thing are changing with regards to male-male sexual contact in swinger spaces. Maybe the west is just behind the east a bit? 🙂

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